My # 1 Toxic Relationship

My # 1 Toxic Relationship

heart
I know it sounds funny but I kinda gave up a man for Lent. Not men, one particular man. He didn’t make the cut. I sent him a text saying I needed to work on me and I would contact him on April 2. God has been using this season in my life to work on relationships whether they be intimate or casual regardless I am in need of some soul-searching to figure things out. I am surrounded by the constant reminder of being single and the yearn to get married or committed to someone. My best friend R.L. Stine we will call him has been there for me when no one else has. He has been my confidante and kept me on track. There was some experimentation with romance three years ago but that quickly fizzled when we figured out we were better off friends. I was going through our connect groups from church to see what was available. I found one on Toxic Relationships. Wow, if that was not a sign from God I don’t know what is. Love Junkies is a book written by Christy Johnson which explains 7 steps to breaking the toxic relationship cycle. As I chose to give up R.L. Stine it gave me time to observe our friendship. I constantly was trying to get him to tell me why I was important to him. He often said I was seeking validation. I looked back over the years and started asking myself where this all started. Was it part of the relationship him and I had or was it something deeper. My first Love Junkie class and I was already 2 weeks behind but it was as if I hadn’t missed anything. I had already given up R.L. for the prior 2 weeks and I was all alone. I hadn’t supplemented him with anyone else like I had in the past. I had quit cold turkey and identified a few more problematic acquaintances as well.  During class our Leader had asked a question. Define Love. I wrote it down but hadn’t thought about it. With group over I had a busy few days following but was excited to delve into my new book. We were warned to stop at Chapter 4. We are not to run ahead of the class. I was ok with it, mainly cause I hadn’t even started the book yet. Guess what? I bought the book, I downloaded the book, and before I knew it I was in Chapter 5!Shhh don’t tell the leader. It was a total accident and I am sure she forgives me. So I placed the book down and started working on THE question. You know, Define Love. Here is that particular journal entry.

Love for my children the day they were born saying they can do anything I will continue to love them. Be disappointed but always love them. It’s the kisses, the hugs, the pain their hatred causes but to still look at them and say I love you. It’s the tears and pain you feel when you want them to stop crying. It’s the I will do anything for you.  Now the two men I married to there was never love. The love I thought I felt was distorted. The love I thought they expressed was infatuation.
who showed me love. R.L.Stine showed me love by not loving me. It’s the I care about your life. I am going to help you become a better person kind of love. The even though you hurt me I am not leaving you or holding it against you forever. I will do all I can do to shield you from harm. Ev en though we may not agree we will compromise. Non judgemental, unconditional, There for me when I need you. Willing to walk through a fire or take a bullet for each other. Talk for hours, Earth stands still when you are together. If one is hurting there is a feeling deep inside your soul prompting you . Thoughts of each other at the same moment though you are 3000 miles away. At the beginning the love was a one way street then we realized what love was. Lovie is I am there for you when your grandparent dies or you get awful news. When the whole world could not understand this one person can. This definition of Love tends to be what I wanted it to be not what it really is. Then I realized this too is not love but infatuation and came to the conclusion the only one who loves me is God himself. I do know what Gods love is. Two pages on love and I don’t even know what it is. Its easier to say what it is not.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s