My # 1 Toxic Relationship

I know it sounds funny but I kinda gave up a man for Lent. Not men, one particular man. He didn’t make the cut. I sent him a text saying I needed to work on me and I would contact him on April 2. God has been using this season in my life to work on relationships whether they be intimate or casual regardless I am in need of some soul-searching to figure things out. I am surrounded by the constant reminder of being single and the yearn to get married or committed to someone. My best friend R.L. Stine we will call him has been there for me when no one else has. He has been my confidante and kept me on track. There was some experimentation with romance three years ago but that quickly fizzled when we figured out we were better off friends. I was going through our connect groups from church to see what was available. I found one on Toxic Relationships. Wow, if that was not a sign from God I don’t know what is. Love Junkies is a book written by Christy Johnson which explains 7 steps to breaking the toxic relationship cycle. As I chose to give up R.L. Stine it gave me time to observe our friendship. I constantly was trying to get him to tell me why I was important to him. He often said I was seeking validation. I looked back over the years and started asking myself where this all started. Was it part of the relationship him and I had or was it something deeper. My first Love Junkie class and I was already 2 weeks behind but it was as if I hadn’t missed anything. I had already given up R.L. for the prior 2 weeks and I was all alone. I hadn’t supplemented him with anyone else like I had in the past. I had quit cold turkey and identified a few more problematic acquaintances as well.  During class our Leader had asked a question. Define Love. I wrote it down but hadn’t thought about it. With group over I had a busy few days following but was excited to delve into my new book. We were warned to stop at Chapter 4. We are not to run ahead of the class. I was ok with it, mainly cause I hadn’t even started the book yet. Guess what? I bought the book, I downloaded the book, and before I knew it I was in Chapter 5!Shhh don’t tell the leader. It was a total accident and I am sure she forgives me. So I placed the book down and started working on THE question. You know, Define Love. Here is that particular journal entry.

Love for my children the day they were born saying they can do anything I will continue to love them. Be disappointed but always love them. It’s the kisses, the hugs, the pain their hatred causes but to still look at them and say I love you. It’s the tears and pain you feel when you want them to stop crying. It’s the I will do anything for you.  Now the two men I married to there was never love. The love I thought I felt was distorted. The love I thought they expressed was infatuation.

who showed me love. R.L.Stine showed me love by not loving me. It’s the I care about your life. I am going to help you become a better person kind of love. The even though you hurt me I am not leaving you or holding it against you forever. I will do all I can do to shield you from harm. Ev en though we may not agree we will compromise. Non judgemental, unconditional, There for me when I need you. Willing to walk through a fire or take a bullet for each other. Talk for hours, Earth stands still when you are together. If one is hurting there is a feeling deep inside your soul prompting you . Thoughts of each other at the same moment though you are 3000 miles away. At the beginning the love was a one way street then we realized what love was. Lovie is I am there for you when your grandparent dies or you get awful news. When the whole world could not understand this one person can. This definition of Love tends to be what I wanted it to be not what it really is. Then I realized this too is not love but infatuation and came to the conclusion the only one who loves me is God himself. I do know what Gods love is. Two pages on love and I don’t even know what it is. Its easier to say what it is not.

Be My Valentine ~Love God

I stuck the beautiful heart-shaped cake in the oven. Then I added the potatoes, corn , and chicken  to the boiling water. It was that special time of year. This was going to be one Hot valentines day. After doing homework with the children I removed the cake from the oven and added red food coloring to the frosting. After I added the shrimp and crab to the water the kids and I frosted the cake.  I got the kids ready for bed early popping in their newest  Disney movie. We were going to have an in-house Valentines Day.  A half hour later I checked on the kids and they were sound asleep but he was still not home. I wonder what had happened. I wonder if he got in an accident. No call, No show,  I was really starting to worry. I try calling his cell phone and no answer. I waited another hour and finally I heard the exhaust pipes of his motorcycle. Whew, well at least he is safe. Two hours late but safe. He walked in the door, he reeked of alcohol. I couldn’t believe it. Valentines Day and he is out drinking with someone else possibly even some other woman. I hugged him as he walked through the door and told him I was worried about him. He became very angry and threw me up against the wall. He told me goodnight and went to bed. I was devastated. I never wanted to celebrate another Valentines Day again. The following year didn’t prove to be much better. Instead of getting chocolate and roses it was black eyes and bruises. On February 11, 2010 the abuse landed me in jail. Year 3 and yet another horrible Valentine memory. In 2011 once again I was in jail on Valentines day and 2012 , well lets just say at least I had my children in 2012. 2013 and 2014 missing my children more than anything and the Valentines Day was not helping in easing the pain. Today! Today, is February 14,2015 and guess what? My Valentines Day rocked. God woke me this morning saying Happy Valentines day Sweetheart. God has been whispering sweet nothings in my ears all day long. God is my rock, my strength and my Love for life. God is my number one Valentine and when he asked me to be my Valentine all my negative memories have faded away. Only God can take a mess and clean it up with Love. The best part about it is Gods love is so supernatural that no human on earth can be the Valentine that God is to be today and forever.

If you have never felt the love God can give you and want to know how click here

If you are in a domestic violence situation and need help click here

Divine Intervention

” It’s not love unless you feel some sort of pain for a soul so lost in a world of despair, you choose to pray for the one who has hurt you just as much as they have hurt themselves.”

 

The text read ” I have smoke meth every day for the past year now, I am up to a 1/2 oz a of meth daily. I have never been to this place before. If I don’t get help, I realize I am signing my own death certificate.”  When I read this my eyes filled up with tears. It was so heart wrenching.   I had been praying for this man, but is praying all I should have been doing? Maybe I should have resolved to do more?  He admits he needs help yet still continues on this path of self-destruction. He has even been labeled as being a threat to himself.  He is definitely at his lowest point and continues to  believe I am getting exactly what I want. . I have prayed for this man and I continue to pray for this man. In deep prayer for him the holy spirit pulled at my heart-strings. The spirit prompted me to send him a message of love. I struggled with this for 2 days. I knew he had hurt me a lot in the past.  I was not in the mood to have confrontation with him. After praying and  careful consideration I sent him a text. The text read ” God loves you B___ and I am praying for you. Sorry you are hurting.”  It would take  12 hours before I would get a response. As suspected the response was a blatant character assassination. God gave me peace in reading the message and self control in replying.  I chose not  to engage him. He is sick and does not know what he is doing.  It would be one day later he checked himself into a 90 day rehabilitation  program. It was a divine intervention. It’s not love unless you feel some sort of pain for a soul so lost in a world of desperation you choose to pray for the one who has hurt you just as much as they have hurt themselves.  I continue to  pray for this man daily that he makes it through the program and finds himself and a new identity in Christ Jesus.