Things that do not make sense

The rabbit and the dog and the cat and the song. This is what my days have been so lately. I have worked so hard at becoming the best coworker I can be and still sometimes the negative thoughts come back up at me. One day I will look back and see where I have been and where I should be. What is wrong with my heart and what is wrong with my mind. Who accepts me for me and who accepts he for he. I don’t really know what the future holds but the life a bandit is not for me. Sometimes we just need to type out words and thoughts that may not even make sense but in another realm they are all too familiar. Does anyone in this world succeed or is just the ones from a hinterland. He came about one day without even knowing that he was the prince of the land and he was in charge of all understanding. When the understanding was given a name the prince lost his loyalty. Then the queen arose out the ashes and overthrew the understanding. When the understanding fell into the river up rose corresponding. Corresponding married the queen and became the royal court in never never land.

If you think none of this makes any sense just think of how we blindly follow what people say on social media and make arguments.

My # 1 Toxic Relationship

I know it sounds funny but I kinda gave up a man for Lent. Not men, one particular man. He didn’t make the cut. I sent him a text saying I needed to work on me and I would contact him on April 2. God has been using this season in my life to work on relationships whether they be intimate or casual regardless I am in need of some soul-searching to figure things out. I am surrounded by the constant reminder of being single and the yearn to get married or committed to someone. My best friend R.L. Stine we will call him has been there for me when no one else has. He has been my confidante and kept me on track. There was some experimentation with romance three years ago but that quickly fizzled when we figured out we were better off friends. I was going through our connect groups from church to see what was available. I found one on Toxic Relationships. Wow, if that was not a sign from God I don’t know what is. Love Junkies is a book written by Christy Johnson which explains 7 steps to breaking the toxic relationship cycle. As I chose to give up R.L. Stine it gave me time to observe our friendship. I constantly was trying to get him to tell me why I was important to him. He often said I was seeking validation. I looked back over the years and started asking myself where this all started. Was it part of the relationship him and I had or was it something deeper. My first Love Junkie class and I was already 2 weeks behind but it was as if I hadn’t missed anything. I had already given up R.L. for the prior 2 weeks and I was all alone. I hadn’t supplemented him with anyone else like I had in the past. I had quit cold turkey and identified a few more problematic acquaintances as well.  During class our Leader had asked a question. Define Love. I wrote it down but hadn’t thought about it. With group over I had a busy few days following but was excited to delve into my new book. We were warned to stop at Chapter 4. We are not to run ahead of the class. I was ok with it, mainly cause I hadn’t even started the book yet. Guess what? I bought the book, I downloaded the book, and before I knew it I was in Chapter 5!Shhh don’t tell the leader. It was a total accident and I am sure she forgives me. So I placed the book down and started working on THE question. You know, Define Love. Here is that particular journal entry.

Love for my children the day they were born saying they can do anything I will continue to love them. Be disappointed but always love them. It’s the kisses, the hugs, the pain their hatred causes but to still look at them and say I love you. It’s the tears and pain you feel when you want them to stop crying. It’s the I will do anything for you.  Now the two men I married to there was never love. The love I thought I felt was distorted. The love I thought they expressed was infatuation.

who showed me love. R.L.Stine showed me love by not loving me. It’s the I care about your life. I am going to help you become a better person kind of love. The even though you hurt me I am not leaving you or holding it against you forever. I will do all I can do to shield you from harm. Ev en though we may not agree we will compromise. Non judgemental, unconditional, There for me when I need you. Willing to walk through a fire or take a bullet for each other. Talk for hours, Earth stands still when you are together. If one is hurting there is a feeling deep inside your soul prompting you . Thoughts of each other at the same moment though you are 3000 miles away. At the beginning the love was a one way street then we realized what love was. Lovie is I am there for you when your grandparent dies or you get awful news. When the whole world could not understand this one person can. This definition of Love tends to be what I wanted it to be not what it really is. Then I realized this too is not love but infatuation and came to the conclusion the only one who loves me is God himself. I do know what Gods love is. Two pages on love and I don’t even know what it is. Its easier to say what it is not.

Note to self on idividuality

To tie into my previous blog on Yes I partake in Lent…..No I am not Catholic I kinda want to delve into the subject of individuality.  I, as an individual try my hardest not to be judgemental of any particular religion. I was reading a blog yesterday and the writer wrote: I don’t want the voice in my head that sometimes questions whether my God is the “right one” when I’m certain that there’s a girl somewhere whose Muslim or some other religion. ( Click here to finish reading)    My spirituality is defined by the individual relationship I have with my God. I do believe my God is the one and only true God and with that my  responsibility is to act in Peace and Love. I am not at peace if I am  arguing with others about whose God is right. Now my God does call me to a fulfill a great commission.  Fulfilling that great commission has nothing to do with numbers. We are not going to stand before God and Him say Ruth brought 700 people to Christ and Miranda only brought 1. Ruth you may enter,  Miranda you may not. God looks at Ruth and says you brought 700 people to Christ , job well done. Miranda you brought 1 to Christ job well done. God would never compare his children.. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am only responsible for planting the seed and God makes the seed grow. God  only utilizes me to grow some seeds not all of them and most times not even the ones I had planted.  Beware:  Individuality could be my worse enemy as well if i fail to protect it. If i get wrapped up in my  individuality without God I  become selfish and my spiritual life will suffer. This can come in the form of choosing to stay home and watch online services. I will still read my spiritual growth books and study my bible, but alone! i  have in the past fallen into the I  can do it all on my own trap. This sets me apart from fellowship with my brothers and sisters and will stunt my spiritual growth. If I am not growing I am not fulfilling Gods plans for my life. So to recap my relationship with God is an individual choice only I  can make. Once I  make this choice God treats me as an individual. My relationship with God is only between him and I. The relationship is not a threesome which involves Ruth, God, and I. This would cause great spiritual pain, envy, and feelings of inadequacy. I worship God on an individual basis. I  love God on an individual basis. I give him my all as an individual. When I worship, pray, meditate the world stands still and  its only him and I.  To realize individuality is to realize that Christ died on the cross for me and only me. The greatest gift of all is realizing he loves me as an individual. I encourage you to delve into your own individuality with God!

If you have never felt the love God can give you as an individual and want to know how click here

 

Yes I partake in Lent……..No I am not Catholic

               “Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

                            The little old woman sitting at my corner booth had asked

Then I was chatting with a fellow Christian friend and he was trying to route me to his recent blog post through Facebook!  I was confused, had he not read my earlier blog on Lent? With a quick reply I stated “It’s still lent”. His reply was  that he wasn’t catholic. Ugh, not again I thought to myself. Why is society so quick to judge a persons spiritual rituals on the denomination of a church rather than on their personal relationship with God. Where is a Christian individuality? Maybe that is a good topic for yet another blog. Back to Lent, Easter and Pentecost.  I do not celebrate Lent because of a certain denomination I belong too.  I honor Lent because of my own personal relationship with Christ. It’s an individual commitment I began making in 2011. Let me explain why. On Wednesday March 9, 2011; I didn’t  attend any church,  I did not get a cross of ashes made on my forehead. I had never observed a season of Lent in my life. I knew what Lent was, however I was never in a denomination in which observed the Lent season. My Pastor at the time did however encourage us to take time during this season and fast for 40 days. This encouragement was the beginning of breaking down the denomination barrier for me.Lent season is an opportunity to look deeply at your spiritual life. To remember the creator of humanity. To reflect on your sin and repent.I began petitioning God to reveal what He wanted me to Fast and began reading 40 day devotion. Days later it became evident I would not be completing that particular devotion. God’s plan led me to give up my freedom.  Lent season to the day of Pentecost has such a parallel to that particular season in my life, I am sure it was no coincidence.  All 40 days I got the opportunity to be in a controlled environment which gave me more time for daily devotion without an increase of worrying  about societal influences. I may not have been free in a worldly sense but I was slowly inching my way to freedom in a spiritual sense.We recieved spiritual feedings in jail but they were stagnant. You stood at the gate and only a certain amount of inmates from each block could attend. Sometimes I wouldn’t even stand in line knowing my belly was full and there were lost souls craving the food . On April 17, 2011 I was blessed to be one of the few to be selected to go to the Palm Sunday church service. I remember being spoken to about Palm Sunday and being guided on how to prepare our hearts for Easter. On Easter, God revealed His desire for me to do a NO TALK fast. I was to remain silent from sun up to sun down. I chose to be obedient . I prayed , meditated , and read God’s word all day long. I took a piece of bread and my koolaid from lunch so I could engage in private  Communion with God. I took communion in remembrance of what Jesus had done for us on Easter Sunday. At that point I was  halfway done with my sentence. In the following week  inmates were being released due to overcrowding.  I prayed my name would be pulled in the lottery. God had other plans. I had to serve out the sentence God had imposed not the one society had imposed. A few days after my release I would discover the significance. June 5, 2011 was Ascension Day. This date is not celebrated by Christians in our western society but is very crucial in the validity of Jesus Christ as our savior. It was the day Jesus ascended into heaven. Two days later my sentence would be completed and I would be free. Lent, Easter, and the Ascension mimic my season of incarceration and release. Four days later the holy spirit would move about my soul as it did on the day of Pentecost. This was the  beginning of a spiritual awakening to my soul. It was a personal closeness with God that brought about a new improved me.  Do you believe in coincidences or do you believe God had a plan all along. Jesus may have ascended to heaven over 2000 years ago but the remembrance of Jesus ascending in 2011 sparked a light for me to go and fulfill the great commission.

God’s Timing : Dating and Marriage

I am sure the Pastor was shaking his head at me as I was trying to justify dating while still being married. I have been separated for 5 years now and I am still not divorced. I have been seeing articles and books everywhere on dating and marriage. We are even in a message series at church on, you guessed it, Marriage!!!! There is no doubt God is using this season of my life in preparing me for marriage. The ex I am separated from is honestly one step away from death but he is not dead. His death probably would warrant a divorce however with my luck I would probably still have a hard time getting the dang thing granted. These days I  pray to God that by some miracle I will look online and it will say divorce granted. I probably have a better chance of winning the lottery and I don’t even play. In my defense I live 3000 miles away. In his defense he is so caught up in his addiction I wonder on a daily basis whether I am going to be informed he has passed.  I filed for divorce in 2010 and believe this shows intent to divorce. I used all these as strong points of convincing the Pastor I was ready to date. Then there is the part of me that is scared God’s greater plan involves a reconciliation between the two of us. This would become a great test of obedience and faith. One my annual goals for 2015 is to get the divorce finalized. For 3 months now I have been  planning and trying to figure out how to accomplish this goal.  So in the meantime, I was thinking I can meet some nice Christian God- fearing man. Spend the time getting to know him as I am working on obtaining the divorce.  As the divorce is finalized we can start  planning the wedding and walk straight from the courthouse to the chapel. Whoohoo what a plan, right?  Then Pastor says ” I think once the divorce is finalized you should have a season of waiting” Are you frigging kidding me ?!?!?!?! All the arguments swelled up in my head. I had to remind myself I was talking to my Pastor and that I had solicited his advice. In his mind I am sure he was thinking, she is not listening to me. In my mind I was telling myself that God was speaking to me and it was what I needed to hear and not debate. Its been five years of waiting and not to mentioned I hadn’t  been in a relationship in over three years. Well I did have a two-week relationship about a year ago. Too many red flags. But that don’t count, See I am responsible enough to make healthy relationship decisions. I know God loves me and I know its time to start dating. Ummm NOOOOOOOOOOO!  Pastor asked me a question ” How long you plan on being married this time?” I assumed he was asking this to test my knowledge on a healthy fruitful marriage. I was thinking if I answered correctly he would indeed retract his “season of waiting” concept. So I was like forever Pastor. This is true. I do want my next marriage to be my last marriage. I want a Christ centered marriage and like I had been saying for the past 4 years now, I want to do things right this time. I quickly learned that Pastor didn’t ask me that question because he was testing me , he was asking me to teach me about time. He broke it down so I looked into the future instead of being stuck in the moment. I am 35 right now. I still have till I am about 87 to live. If I get married when I am 37 we will still have a good strong 50 years of marriage ahead of us. That became  the ah ha moment of our conversation. I came to the conclusion that maybe I had been rushing things.  Will it really hurt to have another 2 strong years of spiritual growth? Not at all, I would rather have a healthy happy marriage ordained by God due to my obedience to God. Sometimes I wonder why we are in a hurry to do things. God is not in any hurry. This is one of the main reasons why I love living in Tennessee in oppose to California. The slower pace sells me every time. Even though the pace is slower out here society will always try to dictate a faster pace than God ever intends.

Lent is Upon Us: What are you giving up?

  Lent  is a religious observance coming from the latin term Quadragesima meaning Fortieth. Lent is the season lasting from Ash Wednesday to Holy Saturday. Holy Saturday is Easter Eve. During the season of Lent Christians reflect in daily devotion and commit to total repentance of sin by engaging in self-denial. Many of us choose to fast from certain things in life to bring the reality of God’s greatest gift to life. Christian’s normally choose to give up something that is hindering their walk with God. The biblical origin of Lent comes from the New Testament Gospels Matthew , Mark , and Luke in which Jesus Spent 40 days in the desert being tempted by Satan.

Matthew 4:1-11 (NIV)

Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness

4 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. 2 After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3 The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”4 Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

“‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.7 Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9 “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”10 Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written:  ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.11 Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

When I gave up social media last month  (see New Year’s Fast. ) I became exactly who I needed to be to finish out this year strong. Now being in the second month of the year I am proud to say I have not withered one bit  and plan on continuing to grow through this Lenten season to a mighty woman of God. Once again I have chosen to give up Social Media. After being back on Facebook and Instagram for the past month I decided Social Media is once again a great distraction in my relationship with God. God is working in my life in an extraordinary way and I would encourage you to take the time during this season to give up something as well. Fast along with me in remembrance of Jesus and his temptation in the desert. Become the person God has called you to be. This is  possible by just giving up one thing in your life as an act of self-denial. If you need help deciding what to give up here is a list of ideas.

 

Be My Valentine ~Love God

I stuck the beautiful heart-shaped cake in the oven. Then I added the potatoes, corn , and chicken  to the boiling water. It was that special time of year. This was going to be one Hot valentines day. After doing homework with the children I removed the cake from the oven and added red food coloring to the frosting. After I added the shrimp and crab to the water the kids and I frosted the cake.  I got the kids ready for bed early popping in their newest  Disney movie. We were going to have an in-house Valentines Day.  A half hour later I checked on the kids and they were sound asleep but he was still not home. I wonder what had happened. I wonder if he got in an accident. No call, No show,  I was really starting to worry. I try calling his cell phone and no answer. I waited another hour and finally I heard the exhaust pipes of his motorcycle. Whew, well at least he is safe. Two hours late but safe. He walked in the door, he reeked of alcohol. I couldn’t believe it. Valentines Day and he is out drinking with someone else possibly even some other woman. I hugged him as he walked through the door and told him I was worried about him. He became very angry and threw me up against the wall. He told me goodnight and went to bed. I was devastated. I never wanted to celebrate another Valentines Day again. The following year didn’t prove to be much better. Instead of getting chocolate and roses it was black eyes and bruises. On February 11, 2010 the abuse landed me in jail. Year 3 and yet another horrible Valentine memory. In 2011 once again I was in jail on Valentines day and 2012 , well lets just say at least I had my children in 2012. 2013 and 2014 missing my children more than anything and the Valentines Day was not helping in easing the pain. Today! Today, is February 14,2015 and guess what? My Valentines Day rocked. God woke me this morning saying Happy Valentines day Sweetheart. God has been whispering sweet nothings in my ears all day long. God is my rock, my strength and my Love for life. God is my number one Valentine and when he asked me to be my Valentine all my negative memories have faded away. Only God can take a mess and clean it up with Love. The best part about it is Gods love is so supernatural that no human on earth can be the Valentine that God is to be today and forever.

If you have never felt the love God can give you and want to know how click here

If you are in a domestic violence situation and need help click here

Super Bowl XLIX

Seahawks or Partiots?My feed is blowing up right now.  Most my friends are rooting for Seahawks. Me, I am rooting for NO MORE!  I used to say I don’t believe in super bowl sunday, its national domestic abuse day. For years I had been taught that super bowl sunday has the highest reported incidents of domestic violence than any other day of the year. This is a current controversy though it doesn’t really matter which day it ranks. What matters is that partners engage in domestic violence at all.  I was taught this and believed it way before I had been involved in a domestic abuse relationship myself. Being involved in the situation intensifies my displeasure for the sport all together. Super Bowl XLIX has changed my views just a bit. This year in particular they are making monumental history.  Let me tell you why.  This super bowl is running a 60 second public service announcement specifically geared towards Domestic Violence Awareness. This is determined to draw great awareness to an awful secret which plagues our society. So kudos to NFL and thank you for taking this initiative.

To view the Ad follow this link Super Bowl PSA

If you see, hear, or suspect someone is in immediate danger call  911 

 

National Domestic Violence Helpline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

www.thehotline.org If on this website and in danger of getting caught there is a caution symbol in the left corner that allows to quickly escape the site.

Do not be afraid to call the number if you need answers about this epidemic.

The Devil Made Me Do It!

 “The devil made me do it!” Eve told Adam,  and Adam told God, and we tell God. Is it not true Satan is behind all this discord? Wait, how come Satan is not getting punished for the choices I am making then. Satan had his consequences, he was thrown out of Heaven.   The Devil is also a  spirit therefore he can not be punished for our bad choices.As noted in Romans 8:28 we are punished by death for the acts we choose to commit. This verse explains we die for our sinful nature.  Please don’t be naïve , we sin everyday up to 24 hours in a day.  The stronger our relationship with God is the more we tend to sin. So what exactly is sin ?  Meriam-Webster has 2 main definitions of sin. I am not content with any of them really. My own definition would be; an act brought about from the ideas of Satan in which causes death to all humanity. The bible is very specific on recognizing not one sin is greater than another. So regardless of the magnitude of sin, the consequence is still spiritual death.  So this an idiotic, over zealous creature caused all humanity to be put to death. Well thank you Satan for dooming all of humanity.The good news is an Omniscient , creative,  passionate spirit of God came and saved us from this impending doom. Jesus’ life and death on earth rectified this dooming reality for all of us. Then  lets review some the most difficult questions. Do you believe a murderer is worthy of this grace? The bible says if the murderer accepts Christ before earthly death the  murderer has a home in heaven. What if the murderer dies before hearing the gospel, the good news, the redemptive power of Jesus blood? Will this man find his way into heaven?  God has a place in his heart for them as well.  I look back at my marriage and the man I married. He was a horrible husband and unfortunately still  is a horrible father to our children, I often ask God ” Will this man ever change?”  God tells me “Yes,  he has to make the choice to change. It’s not you who will change him ” I often  think of the things this man has done to us and think ” he does not deserve the grace of God!” but I have to put myself in check and know it is not up to me to decide whether he deserves the grace of God or not. Everyone deserves the grace of God. God is battling to continuously discontinue evil from this world. I assume He probably doesn’t need our added stress of being judgemental as well. We are renewed on this earth as we accept the grace of God. We will  be made new.  When I think of all my sin and stupidity, I think of Christ suffering and death.  He didn’t take on the sin of the world as a whole but rather took on the sin of each of us individually. Please, let us remember every time we choose to sin we add another thorn on his brow and mark on his back. Just a little to think about  before we chose to  deliberately defy God again.

If your in need of making a fresh commitment to Christ and accepting the grace God has given us , click here

Non-Sensical Rant. A Day in the Life of Me

Today hasn’t exactly went as planned. My day actually started at the end of my work shift last night. I got off a half hour early cause business was extremely slow. My total income for the night was $25  which only amounted to half of a bill overdue. In some ways I was happy I didn’t make it to church last sunday as I still had my tithe tucked away in an envelope in my purse. On the other hand I was forced to borrow God’s money and take control of a situation. This is never good.For this I am feeling much guilt. So maybe I did slap God in the face a little. At least I know I am forgiven. See finances is one thing God has been working with me on lately. Finances and time management. I tell you I am a hot mess! Oh yeah we are also working on my addiction to social media. So I went by the bank deposited $50 into my bank account and headed home. As I got into bed under the covers I managed to achieve my nightly goals of evening devotion and 15 minutes of reading. I really didn’t want to put my book down but I did. I fell fast asleep. My morning began later than usual. Reading blogs and text messages before even doing my morning devotion.Tsk Tsk. I spoke to a friend on the phone in an awesome God-given conversation but it threw me all off whack. I spent one too many hours on Facebook and before I knew it the time had gotten away from me. I received my afternoon text from my mom asking about lunch and my response was I hadn’t eaten yet. During my couple hours on Facebook I did manage sneak in a few goldfish crackers I had beside my bed but nope at 1 pm still no lunch. I finally convinced myself to get off Facebook , but not before leaving a crazy status update. The status read ” my goodness this day is running by so fast. I am off schedule and dealing with way to much.Please keep me in prayer , there is a lot I am wrestling with right now.Thanks, God Bless.” After posting my insane Facebook status I began working on my financial budget. Can anyone say, “HEADACHE!”  I am not sure how I am surviving financially these days. This has to be by the grace of God even though I borrowed his money last night. I spent a good hour on finances. I was looking for my In Touch Magazine and came across my bag of Trail Mix. Darn it,  I still havent eaten yet. So I grabbed the Trail Mix and headed over to WordPress. Now I am reading over blogs and picking the M&Ms out of my Trail Mix. I wonder why they put the little buggers in there to begin with. I am starting to notice the mix is becoming less of a mix and more of just M&Ms. So that is how I spent my Thursday afternoon. In another fifty minutes I will be showering and heading to work. Hopefully I will be blessed with enough money to pay God back and add what he is owed for the night. Have a good night y’all.

Remember God loves us no matter what the circumstances may be. We are all beautiful in his eyes. We have our daily short comings but he still will always love us and call us Children of God. Also life is too short to worry about the things that don’t always go as planned.